The antidote to ‘toxic achievement:’ Mattering
Mattering is defined as feeling valued and visible without conditions. Research shows that resilience – the ability to bounce back from adversity – and the development of confidence are strengthened when children feel they matter, rather than being valued only for what they achieve.
Psychologist Gordon Flett in his book The Psychology of Mattering highlights mattering as a powerful protective factor for emotional well-being. “Children who feel they matter are more resilient, better able to cope with stress, and less vulnerable to the pressures of perfectionism or performance-based self-worth.” Conversely, when children feel their worth is tied strictly to achievement, they may come to believe they count only when they win or get good grades. They may come to experience even minor setbacks as catastrophic. Every time they try something, they feel their self-worth is on the line. Each attempt becomes a watershed moment to judge their value. They believe they only matter or are good enough when they succeed.
By contrast, when children feel they have a crystalized sense of self (they feel accepted and good enough regardless of the outcome), they tend to recover more quickly from failures. They aren’t afraid to try new things, knowing that mistakes won’t diminish their inner sense of value.
This concept was similarly described in Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic …And What We Can Do About It by Jennifer Breheny Wallace. She discusses the negative effects children experience when they are raised to believe their worth is tied only to their achievement outcomes. She states that “toxic achievement culture fosters anxiety, burnout, and a loss of intrinsic self-worth in children,” turning them into “human doings” rather than “human beings.”
“Human doings” is the term Wallace uses to describe children who feel they only matter when they succeed. This underscores the negative consequences, such as the loss of identity and self-worth from being accomplishment-centric. She expressed that when children believe their value is only achievement-based, their well-being becomes vulnerable. They are more prone to stress, fear of failure and doggedly pursuing the next success. Their sense of self becomes rooted in their latest achievement. Once the task has been completed, they may dismiss their success only to move on to the next goal. Thus begins the never-ending cycle of jumping from one achievement to the next in the hope of creating an enduring sense of self.
To be sure, we want to encourage motivation, effort and doing one’s best. But we want to do it in a way that doesn’t diminish pride in oneself but rather promotes healthy self-worth. Both Flett and Wallace state that promoting achievement in a non-toxic way is achieved through encouraging a sense of mattering. This is accomplished by having children acknowledge their efforts rather than only judge their successes. This means ensuring children feel valued for who they are, not just what they do.
The antidote for parents and teachers
- Separate “doing” from “being.”
Focus on efforts rather than the outcome. Instead of “I’m proud of you for getting an A,” try, “I’m proud of how hard you worked and how kind you were to your classmate.” This teaches that their worth isn’t tied to the grade outcome. - Notice.
Help children feel seen and valued by noticing and rewarding their efforts, particularly if it is something important to them. - Foster contribution.
Allowing children to take on a role (including doing chores) can help them develop confidence, feel needed and trusted. - Listen without fixing.
Curb the tendency to solve their problems or provide advice by allowing them the space to explain how they feel and come up with their own solutions. - Play and rest.
Children need downtime to thrive. Overscheduling can limit their opportunities to connect with significant adults, relax, be creative and use their imagination. Unstructured playtime can mitigate stress while promoting relationship-building. -
Model balance and authenticity.
Children learn by example. When adults make mistakes and laugh at themselves, children learn that life isn’t about perfection.
Children who grow up feeling they matter are less vulnerable to stress. They can develop the inner confidence to take healthy risks, recover from mistakes and pursue goals that reflect their true interests – not just what they think will make others proud.
As Wallace writes, “Children who know they matter develop a deep, stable sense of self-worth that no grade, award, or acceptance letter can replace.”
Being motivated and working hard are undeniably two very desired and important traits we want to instill in our children. However, when we focus exclusively on rewarding only success, we may instill a fear of making a mistake and eroding a child’s belief in their abilities. Rather than place value on who they are, their worth becomes based on what they do. Celebrating effort as opposed to outcome reinforces in our children that who they are is far more important than what they do.
Janet Silverstone Perlis is a psychologist with the Student Services department of the English Montreal School Board.
